Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
