my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who died my cat blue again?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
