in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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