Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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