Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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