Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
