I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
