Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm sobbing to NWA
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
