I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
