I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
