Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
