my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
