come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
