life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
