Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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