I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
