I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I smell like Dick and happiness
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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