Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
