I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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