Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
