WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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