i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
