I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
