i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
