singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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