dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
