i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
