were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
