i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
