at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
