Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
