dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
