I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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