I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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