Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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