I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
