I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
