then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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