I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
