Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
