i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
