I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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