i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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