New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
