First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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