All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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