They should really pass out barf bags in church
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
