HIV tests are more positive than that guy
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
