Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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