I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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