im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
